Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Football isn't something I tend to talk about on here. Come to think of it, football isn't something I tend to talk about anywhere. For once, though, I'll make an exception.

If you feel an urge to annoy, perplex or provoke a supporter of Tottenham Hotspur today simply ask them the following:

Q: "What was Obi Wan Kenobi's brother called?"
A: "Too-Wan"

It works a treat.

Sunday, 14 September 2008

You have been watching

Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon is regarded by many as one of the greatest rock albums ever. I'm not here to defend, deny or debunk its status. I'm very fond of it, many people I know are very fond of it, but there's one thing about it that has always niggled me ever so slightly:

Is it just me, or do other people find that the first few seconds of the classic intro to B-side opener 'Money' bears a remarkable similarity to the first few seconds of the classic theme to saucy 70s sitcom 'Are You Being Served'?

Oh, it is just me.


Friday, 12 September 2008

Danse Macabre

"Sometime in mid-July 1518, in the city of Strasbourg, a woman stepped into the street and started to dance."
There was a fascinating piece on this morning's Today Programme about a historical curiosity I'd never heard of before. This dancing woman was soon joined by others - men, women and children - and by the end of August 1518 there was more than four hundred of them. This was no lavish, Busby Berkeley production number, however: these people were in the grip of some mad, uncontrollable compulsion. They danced all day and all night and they danced against their will. It was a sweltering summer, and it wasn't long before some of them started to die...

"This was not the first outbreak of compulsive dancing in Europe. In fact, there had been as many as ten dancing epidemics before 1518, one in 1374 engulfing many of the towns of modern day Belgium, north-eastern France and Luxembourg."

Well, fancy that. John Waller, a British historian of medicine and author of the recently published book on the subject, A Time to Dance, a Time to Die, discussed and dismissed various theories on this phenomena - including the ingestion of psychotropic substances and heretical cult high-jinks - before settling on 'mass hysteria' as the most likely cause. This collective brainwrong of toe-tappery was fuelled by an acute state of psycho- and physiological stress (the city's poor were in the grip of a particularly nasty famine) coupled with a superstitious belief in Saint Vitus, who - as all good Roman Catholic former-altar boys like me will tell you - is the patron saint of jive, throwing shapes and causing mayhem on the dancefloor.

Waller concluded:

"In the long run, the fervent supernaturalism of the medieval world had to make way for the rise of modern science and rationality. The dancing madness was effectively starved out of existence. Even so, half a millennium later it still serves as a reminder of the ineffable strangeness of the human brain."
Maybe so. Waller's conclusion seemed to encourage us all to feel ever-so slightly smug and superior: those 16th Century eejits - with their crazy medieval theological hang-ups - might be susceptible to a terminal outbreak of the Martha and the Vandellas, but that sort of thing couldn't happen here. Thanks to the Enlightenment, the Renaissance and Sky Plus we're all way too smart to behave quite so stupidly.

Maybe, and maybe not. Sentiments like that may pander to the prejudices of certain types of Radio 4 listener, but I don't quite buy into them. Our belief systems may have moved on a bit (although some times I wonder...), but I'm inclined to believe that our capacity for buggier-than-batshit crazy acts of mass hysteria remains the same.

As an Orson Welles fan, the reported incidents of widespread panic in the US following The Great Round One's 1938 War of the Worlds radio play spring to mind. But there are plenty of other examples. Here are just a few:

The Taginyika Laughter Epidemic of 1962. This was a more recent variation of the dancing mania described above, except instead of doing it mid-80s, what-were-they-thinking, Jagger & Bowie-style this time it involved a particularly bad case of the giggles. This "Laughing Matter" took place in the vicinity of the village of Kashasha in what is now called Tanzania and according to its Wikipedia entry:

"The epidemic seems to have started within a small group of students in a boarding school, possibly triggered by a joke. Laughter, as is commonly known, is in some sense contagious, and for whatever reason in this case the laughter perpetuated itself, far transcending its original cause...

"The school from which the epidemic sprang was shut down; the children and parents transmitted it to the surrounding area. Other schools, Kashasha itself, and another village, comprising thousands of people, were all affected to some degree. Six to eighteen months after it started, the phenomenon died off."


The Seattle Windshield Pitting Epidemic, 1954. Here's another example, this time from CSI - the scourge of Robert Anton Wilson, the publishers of the Skeptical Inquirer and the artists formerly known as the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal:

"On March 23, 1954, reports appeared in Seattle newspapers of damaged automobile windshields in a city eighty miles to the north. While initially suspecting vandals, the number of cases spread, causing growing concern. In time, reports of damaged windshields moved closer to Seattle. According to a study by Nahum Medalia of the Georgia Institute of Technology and Otto Larsen of the University of Washington (1958), by nightfall on April 14, the mysterious pits first reached the city, and by the end of the next day, weary police had answered 242 phone calls from concerned residents, reporting tiny pit marks on over 3,000 vehicles. In some cases, whole parking lots were reportedly affected. The reports quickly declined and ceased. On April 16 police logged forty-six pitting claims, and ten the next day, after which no more reports were received.

"The most common damage report involved claims that tiny pit marks grew into dime-sized bubbles embedded within the glass, leading to a folk theory that sandflea eggs had somehow been deposited in the glass and later hatched. The sudden presence of the 'pits' created widespread anxiety as they were typically attributed to atomic fallout from hydrogen bomb tests that had been recently conducted in the Pacific and received saturation media publicity. At the height of the incident on the night of April 15, the Seattle mayor even sought emergency assistance from President Dwight Eisenhower."


And here's another:

The Monkey Man of New Delhi, 2001. Reports began to circulate in May 2001 of a strange, monkey-like creature that was scaring the blue bekrishna out of the good people of New Delhi. According to Wikipedia:

"Eyewitness accounts were often inconsistent, but tended to describe the creature as about four feet (120 cm) tall, covered in thick black hair, with a metal helmet, metal claws, glowing red eyes and three buttons on its chest.

"Theories on the nature of the Monkey Man ranged from an avatar of a Hindu god, to an Indian version of Bigfoot, to a cyborg that could be deactivated by throwing water on the motherboard concealed under fur on its chest.

"Many people reported being scratched, and two (by some reports, three) people even died when they leapt from the tops of buildings or fell down stairwells in a panic caused by what they thought was the attacker. At one point, exasperated police even issued artist's impression drawings in an attempt to catch the creature. Many people today still believe this 'monkey man' continues to haunt the streets."

Would you like to see a police artist's impression of the Monkey Man? I'm sure you would:



I regret to say there were no sightings of accomplices, although I'd like to think that a fish, a pig and a foxy monk were somehow involved.

This all illustrates - to my mind at least - that really bloody odd acts of mass hysteria are not confined to some bygone age. Others may argue, of course, that these bizarro events may have taken place in modern times, but only in the strictly chronological sense of the term. They all occurred within cultures where the "supernaturalism of the medieval world" was still hard-wired into the local consensus reality. Over here its different. The sort of archaic mindsets that would cause a mass of people to act as an irrational whole is not part of our world.

These people obviously don't read the financial pages.

Saturday, 6 September 2008

Alastair Campbell plays the songs of Jacques Brel

I often find that discovering that somebody shares one of your passions can efficiently neutralise any misgivings or antipathy you previously held towards them. So it was this morning, as I listened to Alastair Campbell's programme on Radio 4 about the legendary chanson singer Jacques Brel:


Former Labour strategist Alastair Campbell reveals his passion for the music of the late Belgian singer/songwriter Jacques Brel. At the peak of his career during the 50s and 60s, Brel's music explored emotions darker and deeper than the conventional popular songs of the time, and his live performances were famed for their intensity and ferocity.

Contributors include Brel fanatic Mel Smith, impresario Jean Michel Boris, accordionist Jean Corti, journalist Olivier Todd and Brel's daughter France.


Before the programme started I didn't care too much care for Campbell; by the end of it, though, I wanted to invite him around for tea and macaroons. I assume there's a snappy psychological term for this phenomena, but it does worry me. Would I feel compelled to soften my position on George W. Bush, Melanie Phillips & Jim Davidson if they suddenly developed a passion for Tom Waits' music, Robert Anton Wilson's books and Grant Morrison's Invisibles comics?

Many of Brel's songs have been translated into English over the years, but - as Campbell mentioned - many of these are far from faithful to the source material. Even his most frequently covered song, If You Go Away (Ne Me Quitte Pas), is no exception. As Brel's Wiki entry states:

English translations of Brel's songs, in particular also Ne me quitte pas translations, have been subject to criticism and are regarded by some as being stripped of their original brilliance and magical lyricism. For example, Brel's Ne me quitte pas evocatively states, "Moi, je t'offrirai / Des perles de pluie / Venues de pays / Où il ne pleut pas" [As for me, I'll offer you pearls of rain that come from a country where rain never falls]. However, Rod McKuen’s English translation replaces that imagery with "But if you stay / I'll make you a day / Like no day has been / or will be again."

Sometimes the lyrical changes can be more substantial. One of his most famous songs, Jacky, has been covered by, amongst others, Scott Walker and Marc Almond:




While Messrs Walker and Almond stuck to translations that were reasonably faithful to Brel's original vision, not everyone has been quite so honourable:

And if one day I should become
A spinner with a brutish tongue
The scourge of all those politicians

And I will tell them how it is
Those sorry gutless sacks of piss
Will be no match for my ambitions

My pal will be called Tonio
And I will stand there by his side
And if there’s one thing you should know
It's that he's Jekyll and I'm Hyde

You’ll see me get my every wish
The Fourth Estate will be my bitch
Just watch me beat them with a fish
And leave them wimpering in a ditch

And when they say things I don’t like
I'll bash them senseless with a pike
Just ask The Guardian’s Michael White
And he will tell you Who’s the Daddy

If I could be for only an hour
If I could be for an hour every day
If I could be for just one little hour

Cute brute in a boot-yer-ass way


Next Week: Peter Mandelson plays the songs of Serge Gainsbourg

Friday, 5 September 2008

When life turns into a Robert Anton Wilson novel

It was 8am and I was driving to work, listening to Radio 4's Today Programme as John Humpreys served me a hearty breakfast of headlines. He told me that Republican Presidential candidate John McCain had promised to transform Washington and win back public trust. He said something about research indicating that some food prices had risen by as much as 40% this year. Finally, he reassured me that scientists working on CERN's Large Hadron Collider had insisted that their research into the start of the universe will not create a black hole that will swallow the planet next Wednesday.

Thanks for the reassurance, John. Mind you, I might have felt a lot more optimistic about the future - and possibly more energised for work - if the Today Programme's weather forecast took us up to next Thursday and beyond...

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Who Watches the... What?


With the hype machine for next year's Watchmen film already powering up (it was the cover story to last month's Empire and the trailer is attached to Dark Knight, that bat-themed vigilante flick that's currently doing the rounds), it's only a matter of time before non-comics literate friends and affiliates start asking me: "What's it all about, fanboy?"

Sadly, I'm no better equipped at providing a straightforward, snappy and easily digestible answer than I was when other friends and other affiliates were asking another me exactly the same question over twenty years' ago. It's just as well, then, that there are people out there prepared to do the hard work for me. Tom Spurgeon asked his Comics Reporter readers to define Watchmen to the uninitiated. I quite liked Cole Moore Odell's take on the book:

"Watchmen is about power: its trappings, its limits, and the consequences of its use. We see the USA and Russia as global superpowers; Dr. Manhattan with the literal power of a god; the power that normal people have to affect both individual lives and the course of history, and the power of writing to shape thinking. It is also about powerlessness -- as embodied by the child who would become Rorschach, or the inexorable slide toward war -- and the self-deception practiced by people (Ozymandias in particular, but all of them) struggling against that helplessness. It's only about superheroes to the extent that the genre allows Moore and Gibbons a multitude of ways to explore the theme."


I'm also quite partial to Matthias Wivel's explanation:

"Watchmen is about a lot of things, many of which have been brought up in your round-up, but fundamentally it is about what all Alan Moore's comics are about: Order. The sense that there is a structure to the universe, and to existence, and how this structure starts in ourselves and determines our perception of the world. Moore exemplifies this in the meticulous structure of the comic itself, but also in the character of Dr. Manhattan who perceives the order we can only intuit.

"The conflict of the story arises from the way the individual deals with it, and the main characters each make their own choices: The Comedian absolves himself and becomes amoral, Ozymandias wants to control it, Rorschach has lost faith in it, Dan and Julie chose to make their way within it, and Dr. Manhattan stands back. The play's the thing."

But the award for the most straightforward, snappy and easily digestible answer goes to Dustin Harbin:

"Watchmen starts out as a superhero murder mystery and turns into a really dense rumination on the motivations behind might and right."


It doesn't provide a full explanation as to why this book is still considered so important by people like me, but it'll be a damn sight easier for me to remember.



Thanks to Pete for the heads-up.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Flaming Lips' Christmas on Mars

The mighty Flaming Lips' long-awaited Christmas on Mars film is coming to DVD this autumn. If you're a Flaming Lips fan then you'll probably know about this already. If you're not a Flaming Lips fan, then shame on you.

Heres the trailer: