About last night...

Last night's Pram & The Modified Toy Orchestra concert was wonderful and sublime. Definitely one of those "You had to be there" nights, and I'm very glad I was. I'll be doing a full write-up tomorrow [I started it this evening, but it's spiralled out of control as these things do].

Tonight I'll be going to this...

...I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

No Hearing Aid Required

In my last post I mentioned how eager I was to get involved with GDFAF - or 'Going Deaf For A Fortnight' - my friend Pete's hard-core gig-going initiative that seamlessly combines muso evangelism with the anti-lethargy ethos of the classic TV show 'Why Don't You'. That was on Wednesday, already midway through the first week of the fortnight. I haven't posted anything on here since then, so you might assume that I've spent the last few days doing it large and moshing like an eejit in a variety of salubrious sticky-floored local venues.

Well, you'd be mistaken.

Do you want to know how many gigs I've been to in the last four days? Probably not, but that's never stopped me before. I'll tell you how many gigs I've been to in the past four days. I've been to the grand sum total of fuck all.

Well, that's not strictly true.

On Friday night I saw the legendary local comics artist Hunt Emerson performing with his band The Black Country Hats. They were very good, but I can't really get away with claiming it was a gig. No, it wasn't a gig. It was the launch party for the Birmingham Comics Show.

Long ago and far away - when I was a card-carrying fanboy/cartoonist/writer trying to break into the comics industry - I used to go to events like this all the time. But it's been a while, and I had somehow managed to forget how deranged these things get. For the uninitiated, comics events, festivals or even shows are a feeble excuse for people who happen to have a fondness for a somewhat despised medium to get together and drink enough booze to tranquilize a horse.

And - needless to say - it can get quite surreal, too. At one point I interrupted a drunken but somewhat theatrical exchange of insults between two people I'd never met before by saying: "Oi, enough of the Reed Richards/Doc Doom shite."

This will probably mean nothing to non-comics aficionados, I know, but right there and then I knew instinctively that this was perhaps the only place in the world where it would make Perfect Sense. My gut instinct was validated when one of the faux combatants suddenly adopted a ridiculous vaudevillian-esque pose and scowled: "Curse you, Richards!" If I tried that stunt anywhere else I'd probably be typing this with broken fingers.


Anyhow, Pete's blog features a far more lucid and considered account of the evening's shenanigans. You can find it here.

Going Deaf For a Fortnight

My good friend and erstwhile gig-pimp Pete Ashton is currently on Day 4 of his mammoth Going Deaf For a Fortnight extravaganza. To those unfamiliar with GDFAF, the concept is simple: over a two-week period you go out and visit as many local music venues as possible. Preferably while a band is playing, and preferably one a night [although a night off is permitted].

It's Pete's brain-child. He first did it in 2005 as some sort of masochistic-social-breaching -experiment-type thing and over 14 consecutive nights he went 13 gigs. I met him shortly afterwards and it wasn't a pretty sight. He was a shivering wreck - part Rock & Roll casuality and part Vietnam Vet - and it was like looking at a cross between Keith Richards and Ron Kovic. Needless to say, I was jealous. It definitely made him a better man.

Anyhow, his friend Russ took up the mantle in 2006, and this time around it's open to everyone [Pete's a public-spirited chap]. That includes me [I'll be joining in later in the week], and that includes you.

Yes, you. Don't try looking the other way. That won't work.

Gordon Brown to unleash Chuck Norris on voters

From Here

In a move that has shocked political and media pundits alike, Prime Minister Gordon Brown today announced that the Labour Party’s next Party Political Broadcast will be a “high-octane, adrenaline-fuelled epic” featuring the cult 1980s action movie icon Chuck Norris.

Bearded black-belt Norris – who shot to fame in a string of straight-to-video classics like ‘Delta Force’, ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’ and ‘Delta Force 2’ – will play the role of a maverick Labour Party activist canvassing the mean, suburban streets of Kanye East, a troubled but fictional marginal constituency. In the 5 minute film Norris will be seen to overcome grassroots issues, voter apathy and ant-war sentiment through a winning combination of classical political oratory, snappy soundbites and Korean martial arts.

This is regarded as something of a radical departure in style for the Party Political Broadcast. Traditionally, the PPB sought to influence voting behaviour through a combination of earnest political leaders, RADA-trained members of the public and inoffensively uplifting music by the likes of Gustav Holst, Edward Elgar & D:ream. By contrast, Labour’s new PPB is said to include a ticking ballot box bomb, several shoot-outs and a climactic sword fight on top of a speeding campaign battle bus.

Government critics claim that this is just a reaction to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recent appearance at the Tory Conference in Blackpool. Schwarzenegger – the Republican Governor of California – energised the conference delegates when he urged Tory leader David Cameron to go back in time and assassinate the Cabinet’s ancestors.

The Prime Minister, though, strongly denies that this is a cheap publicity stunt. “During the early 90s – long before our landslide 1997 election win – Tony Blair, Peter Mandelson and myself would lock ourselves away in our old Walworth Road HQ as we set about modernising the Labour Party. We wanted to rebuild it, make it better than it was before. Better, stronger, more electable. It was hard work. It was tiring work. Occasionally we’d feel the need to take a well-earned break. So we’d order in a curry, crack open a few cans of lager and stay up late watching straight-to-video action classics.”

In fact, following Labour’s 1997 election win, Brown invited a number of straight-to-video action stars to a special victory party at 11 Downing Street. “They were all there,” he recalls wistfully. “Chuck [‘Missing in Action’] Norris, Cynthia [‘China O’Brian’] Rodrock and even Christopher [‘Fortress 2’] Lambert. While Tony was shaking hands with rock stars next door, Chuck Norris was teaching me how to disarm an opponent with a cocktail stick. Well, I know which party I’d rather be at!”

“Yeah, that was one helluva night,” says Norris with a chuckle. “Me and Gordon, we stayed in contact over the years. We’d talk about regular guy stuff like roundhouse kicks and monetary policy, and we always planned on working together sometime. In fact, I once asked him to do a special guest appearance on my long-running syndicated TV show, ‘Walker, Texas Ranger.’ He was going to play the ghost of a Mayflower Pilgrim who helps me solve a tricky case. He couldn’t do it, though. He was already booked up to do the Dimbleby show.”

Brown remains resolute in his loyalty to this widely despised genre: “I firmly believe that those video nights gave us hope and inspiration during those long, dark years in opposition. They gave us a moral compass. They are the reason many of us are now in politics. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that 80s straight-to-video action classics directly influenced the whole New Labour agenda. You remember that manifesto pledge about us being ‘Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime’? Well, we nicked that line from ‘Lone Wolf McQuade.”

Strewth!

After yesterday's bout of creative frustration/online sulkduggery, I now discover that three of my NewsBiscuit submissions are in their Top 10 ['No More Sister Nice Guy' at 10, 'Musical Discord as Bank of England offer lifeline to Northern Soul' at 8 and 'Burmese Troops attacking Buddhist Monks accused of "Zenophobia"' at 5]. After a gruesome day at work, I am now the proverbial happy camper.

My sincere thanks to anyone who voted for me. I owe you a pint.

Better get back to my next offering, which goes under the tentative title of Labour's next Party Political Broadcast to feature 80s Action Hero Chuck Norris.


Somebody stop me.

The Scores on the Doors

I've been rather busy in my new role as wannabe satirist, so I thought I'd take a moment to take stock and reflect on my first week's attempts at hard-hitting social commentary. So far, so discouraging. As previously mentioned I've been submitting items to the fake news website NewsBiscuit. The way it works is that you post something onto their submissions board and "regular NewsBiscuit readers can read and rate the stories for inclusion on the main pages." Well, so far three of my efforts made it into the Top 10 but sadly didn't stay there for too long. Submissions are rated on a scale of 1-to-10 and the overall scoring system works out an average score. Here's Tom Lennon's current Top Ten in descending order:

[And I mean descending in every sense of the word.]

1. Musical Discord as Bank of England offers lifeline to Northern Soul [7.99]
2. Burmese Troops attacking Buddhist Monks accused of "Zenophobia" [7.99]
3. No More Sister Nice Guy. [7.94]
4. TV's Captain Kirk unveils new ShatNav [7.74]
5. Zap! Pow! You broke my nose! [5.23]
6. Following complaints, Sir Elton removes his Back-Catalogue from Record Stores [5.18]
7. Boris Johnson insists: "I am NOT Warhol's Love-Child." [4.82]
8. Language experts claim that "There's a fine line between II and H" [4.56]
9. Brown to Unveil 'Cabinet of the Namesakes', claims Chief Vet Debby Reynolds [4.15]

And last [but in every sense] least:

10. Lara Croft, Solid Snake and Pac-Man deny PS3-some claims [3.98]

To be fair, not all of the above are full submissions; some are just catchy headlines [at least I like to think they're catchy headlines]. I'm not that prolific.

Now I wouldn't dream of encouraging any of you to click on any of the above links and give me a high score. That would probably be unethical, of course. Of course.

Besides, we all know in our heart-of-hearts that vote-rigging never pays.

Outside of Florida, that is.