Strange New Words Revisited

I'm into neologisms in a big way. When I get bored, I make up new words. I got bored today, so I made up a new word. You can have it if you like.

This may become a regular feature. Consider yourself warned.

Q. If suicide is the pre-meditated murder of one's self and homocide the pre-meditated murder of another person, what do you call the pre-meditated murder of a football team?

A. "Fivecide."

When Mr Bill came to Birmingham

My workpal Kuz has a second job working weekends on the front desk of the 4-star Marriott Hotel in Birmingham's city centre. Having a second job seems to be increasingly commonplace in this 21st Century economy. As I'm planning to reacquaint myself with the property ladder later this year I might have to do it myself. Not this week, though. I'm too knackered.

With Hillary Clinton's victory in the New Hampshire primary in the news today, I'm reminded of a Birmingham Marriott-related incident from some years' back involving her illustrious husband Bill. You remember Bill, don't you? He was very charismatic. He left office with a 65% approval rating, which made him America's most-popular outgoing president since the end of World War 2. For some strange and peculiar reason, I don't think the Guinness Book of World Records people will be revising that entry anytime soon.

Anyhow, this was 1998 - long before the Florida Miscount of 2001 - and the Great British City of Birmingham... my city... was hosting the G8 Summit of world leaders. Mr Bill was in attendance, of course, and he proceeded to charm the pants off all the Brummies he met. I can still remember the TV footage: the most powerful man in the world supping warm ale in a pub that overlooked a stretch of canal that had been specially purged of bicycle parts for the event.

He seemed quite comfortable in Birmingham, but in 1998 I imagine he'd have felt quite comfortable anywhere that wasn't in the United States. This, after all, was the year the Lewinsky scandal broke. He was being accused of having an extra-marital affair with an intern, and press, pundits and political enemies were endlessly scrutinising over every sordid detail of his sexual shenanigans. Mr Bill initially denied any wrong doing by famously saying: "I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky." It later turned out that his definition of sexual relations did not include a certain intimate act that's known in some quarters as a Parisian Mouthwash.

The semantic distinction only came to light after the aforementioned Ms Lewinsky handed over to investigators a famous blue dress. What made the blue dress so famous is that it featured a crusty old stain that later turned out to be fossilised Presidential manjuice. Now I'm no expert on matters of haute couture, but I don't think that look caught on.

I remember being baffled by the whole thing, and I remain so to this day. Being a simple-minded fool, I'd much rather live in a world with a US President who's partial to getting blown off than with a US President whose passionate about blowing things up. But that's just me, and I'm digressing. Let's get back to Birmingham.

For the duration of the G8 Summit, President Bill Clinton and his entourage block-booked the entire Marriott Hotel. Back then it had 5-stars, not 4. And it wasn't called The Marriott. No, it had a name that - in light of his troubles back at home - must have had a certain personal resonance with the visiting Commander in Chief.

It was called The Swallow.

I like to think he saw the funny side of it.

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Hail to The King, Baby

Hip-shakin' shoutin' in gold lamé
That's how he earned his regal sobriquet
But he threw it all away
For a porcelain monkey

Warren Zevon - Porcelain Monkey

Before Elvis there was nothing.

John Lennon

Today would have been Elvis Aaron Presley's 73rd Birthday. Assuming, of course, that you subscribe to the conventional belief that he died in 1977. If you believe he's still alive - and reliable sources suggest that many do - then I guess for you this is Elvis Aaron Presley's 73rd birthday.

And if you're not convinced one way or the other, then there's always quantum mechanics. The Schrödinger's Cat paradox - the famous thought experiment devised by the Austrian-Irish physicist Irwin Schrödinger - demonstrated that, in quantum theory at least, a cat can be both alive and dead simultaneously. Simply place a common household Ignatz-katcher in a sealed metal box containing a radioactive isotope, a geiger counter and a vial of cyanide and - before you know it - the cat goes into an indeterminate dead cat-live cat eigenstate. Until, of course, you collapse the state vector - but where's the fun in that?

By extension, then, I reckon that Elvis can be both alive and dead - and neither alive nor dead - at the same time. Both can be true. So, according to this admittedly shaky adaptation of the Copenhagen Interpretation - which I have an admittedly shaky grasp of in the first place - today not only would have been Elvis' 73rd birthday but also simultaneously is Elvis' 73rd birthday.

I call this theory Schrödinger's King. Thankyouverymuch.

"No Soup for You!"

One of my favourite Christmas presents this year was the Season 7 DVD box set of the classic 90s American comedy series Seinfeld. I say "Christmas present", but I actually bought it for myself. 'Twas the weekend before Christmas and - after spending a day spending my money on family and friends - I felt like indulging myself. I didn't wrap it up or anything. I'm not that sad.

I've been a fan of Seinfeld ever since BBC2 started showing it as a double-bill with the equally brilliant The Larry Sanders Show 12 or-so years ago. I used to set the VCR to tape the shows then watch them after work the next day. I found it very therapeutic. Due to this scheduling quirk, even now - years later - I still think of the Seinfeld and The Larry Sanders Show as a pair of classic comedy co-joined twins. Maybe I always will.

Unlike other American comedy imports like Friends, Seinfeld never really caught on in this country. Maybe it was because, unlike Friends, it's central characters weren't funny, good-natured, likable people. They were funny, self-centred, thoroughly unlikeable people. I never much cared for Friends. The TV show, that is. In all other respects I very much care for friends.

Or perhaps its lack of popularity in Blighty was due to something else. Maybe it was because the clever-clever wordplay and shouty-shouty schadenfreude of New York Jewish comedy left many BritCit citizens cold - unless, like me, they raised themrselves on The Marx Brothers, Phil Silvers and Woody Allen and were one of the few Gentiles in the audience at Jackie Mason stand-up gig.

Or maybe it was a lot simpler than that. Maybe it was because Auntie Beeb - in her infinite wisdom - used to put it on ridiculously late at night. Like many American imports in those pre-digital days, Seinfeld (and, of course, The Larry Sanders Show) seemed to be shuffled around the schedules like an unwanted dog. You were never quite sure when it would be on, but you could just about safely narrow it down to somewhere between Newsnight and Breakfast News.

(If Heroes came out back then, I imagine the Beeb would have put it on at half-past Stupid-O-Clock on a Tuesday morning. They'd have probably cancelled random episodes at short notice in order to show live coverage of the Crown Green Bowling Semi-Finals at Roehampton. And, seeing how it's such a continuity-heavy show, they'd have gone to the trouble to broadcast the episodes out of sequence. Like they did with The X-Files. Bastards. But I digress...)

Anyway, back to Seinfeld. For the uninitiated, here's a description of the show I shamelessly nicked from Wikipedia:

Seinfeld violated several conventions of mainstream television. The show, which (correctly or not) is often described as "about nothing", became the first television series since Monty Python's Flying Circus to be widely described as postmodern. Several elements of Seinfeld fit in with a postmodern interpretation. The show typically is driven by humor dispersed with superficial conflict and characters with strange dispositions.

The characters were "thirty-something singles ... with no roots, vague identities, and conscious indifference to morals." [Hurd R. Wesley - Postmodernism: A New Model of Reality]. Usual conventions, such as isolating the characters from the actors playing them and separating the characters' world from that of the actors and audience, were broken. One such example is the story arc in which the characters promote a television sitcom series named Jerry. The show within the show, titled Jerry was much like Seinfeld, in which Seinfeld played himself, and that the show was "about nothing." Jerry was launched in the Season 4 finale, but unlike Seinfeld, it was not picked up into a series.

Many episodes revolved around the characters becoming involved in the lives of others to typically disastrous results. However, regardless of the damage they caused, they never gained anything from the experience and continued to be selfish, egocentric people. On the set, the notion that the characters should not develop or improve throughout the series was expressed as the "no hugging, no learning" rule. This quote is almost referenced in an episode ("The Secret Code") where Kramer says to Jerry, "Well the important thing is, you learned something," to which Jerry replies, "No I didn't." Unlike most sitcoms, there are no moments of pathos; the audience is never made to feel sorry for any of the characters. Even [George Costanza's fiance] Susan's death in the series elicits no genuine emotions from anyone in the show.

You can see why I'm such a fan.

But back to the Seinfeld Season 7 box set. This was show co-creator Larry (Curb Your Enthusiasm) David's last series, and - in the humble opinion of this Roman Catholic Irish raconteur dilettante eejit - was it's finest. It featured classic episodes like "The Maestro", "The Hot Tub" and "The Rye".

And it also featured "The Soup Nazi".

In "The Soup Nazi" episode, Jerry tells his deeply dishonest, atavistically insecure and cosmically misanthropic friend George Constanza about a great New York soup kitchen that makes soup so good it'll make your legs buckle. The proprietor - however - is somewhat eccentric. He insists on a certain fascistic code of conduct amongst his customers and will tolerate no deviance, however slight. As you enter the store you step to the right, step forward, place your order, step to the left and pay. You do not engage in small talk. You do not question his judgement. You do not complain.

Needless to say, George Costanza inadvertently fails to comply and piss-your-pants funny comedy ensues. If you want to know more either watch the episode or go here. I'd prefer it if you watched the episode. Classic comedy is like good food: the menu is not the meal.

The Soup Nazi character was based on a real guy, Al Yeganeh, who ran the Soup Kitchen International in Midtown Manhattan (as I recall, it was just around the corner from the Letterman studios). When I visited New York a few years' ago I made a personal pilgrimage to the Soup Kitchen International. Sadly, it was closed.

To paraphrase the Soup Nazi, there was "No soup for me."

Joe Dolan 1939-2007

The legendary Irish singer Joe Dolan died on 26th December 2007 aged 68.

One of Ireland's most popular and charismatic performers, Dolan made his name in the 1960s and 70s, first as the lead singer with the Irish showband The Drifters and later as a solo performer. He toured extensively and was famous for his his Vegas-style showmanship and his trademark white suits. His hits included "Make Me An Island", "You're Such a Good Looking Woman" and "Lady in Blue".

To be honest, I wasn't a big fan of his music. It was a bit too Easy Listening for my tastes, but my parents adored him. My mother was genuinely gutted by the news, and - judging from the number of phone calls local radio presenter Bob Brolly received from Joe Dolan fans on his Irish music show on Sunday - she wasn't alone.

Joe Dolan was part of Ireland's showband tradition, where homegrown artists would tour the country's dancehalls performing cover versions of contemporary hits. Although he did record original material, cover versions remained a big part of his repertoire right up to the end.

In 1998 he recorded a cover of Blur's "The Universal". Here's the video. I find it quite touching.

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My Top 10 Gigs of 2007

Don't you just hate those end of year countdown shows? Cheap, schedule-padding fodder consisting of cobbled together clips and witless pundits pontificating witlessly. I even wrote about me intense dislike for this pernicious genre here. Oh, how I hate them.

Here's a countdown of my favourite gigs of 2007:


10. Jeffrey Lewis & The Jitters, Birmingham Hare & Hounds, 20th October

My third Jeffrey Lewis gig and the best so far. I wrote a lengthy review of it here. In that review I forgot to mention that in addition to Jeffrey's uncle - Professor Louis - there was also support from local ska hipsters Dexter. Let me remedy that now: I thought they were fab. This belated endorsement is a little pointless, however, as Dexter have since imploded-slash-morphed into a new popular beat combo called walk.don't.walk. Oh, well - it's the thought that counts.



9. CSS, Latitude Festival, 14th July

A guilty pleasure, and we're all allowed those. CSS's vibrant set encapsulated the wonderful Latitude Festival for me, and their track "Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above" was this year's feelgood Summer song of choice with my tinny-but-temperamental car stereo.

The Latitude weekend was one of my highlights of this year for me, and this is the first of several mentions it gets on this list. I've already booked my ticket for next year's. You should, too.



8. Damo Suzuki and his Assortment of Sound-Carrying Biatches : Birmingham Hare & Hounds, August 16th

A mad, mad night of madness and the madness does not diminish with the passage of time. I wrote about it here. Did I mention it was mad?

Here's a pic wot Pete took:

Former Can-man Suzuki played what was possibly the same song repeatedly (it was hard to tell) with a rotating lineup of "sound carrying" local bands including The Courtesy Group, Mills and Boon and the mighty Modified Toy Orchestra (whose gig at the Birmingham Town Hall in October very almost nearly got into this Top 10).

Here some YouTubery featuring Damo at a Courtesy Group event from 2005:





7. Tony Bennett, Birmingham Town Hall, 8th May

The next best thing to seeing Sinatra live. As Stan Lee would say, "'Nuff Said."




6. Jarvis Cocker: Latitude Festival, 15th July

He is Jarvis: that is reason enough.

As an encore he played Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger".

Need I say more?



5. Jim White & Jenny Owen Youngs, Birmingham Barfly, 18th October

A headliner and his support. Is that allowed? Shouldn't that be two separate entries?

It's my list. They're my rules. Deal with it.

Here's Jenny Owen Youngs on the night in question, courtesy of YouTube and a public-minded citizen:



And here's Jim White at a different Barfly on the same tour singing the wonderfully-titled "A Bar Is Just A Church Where They Serve Beer":



4. The Pogues: Birmingham Academy, 16th December

Tough call. I was very tempted to place them higher as they played an absolute blinder of a gig, even by the legendary standards of a Pogues' gig. But it was only a fortnight ago (and I only wrote about it two blog entries ago) and I like to give my perceptions space to breathe, so I'll exercise some restraint.

But, Goddamnit - that was one helluva night...

Here's a taster from the night, courtesy of yet another public-spirited soul & YouTube:



3. The National: Latitude Festival, 15th July; Birmingham Irish Centre, 6th November

So good I saw them twice this year. That should say it all.

This is them quiet:

This is them loud:


2. Devo: Birmingham Symphony Hall, 22nd June

At the beginning of the year, Devo - they of the yellow boiler suits, red plastic hats and New Wave bequirkery - weren't really on my Gigs I Must Really Go To This Year list. But my friends Pete and Jez - two self-confessed Devo spuds - were so excited at the prospect of their first UK tour in 17-odd years that it would have been churlish of me to decline the invite. So I went.

Let's just say that their set lit me up, fused my synapses and left me smiling like a simple-minded child. I'd never thought that such hard-rocking euphoria could be produced within the ornate surroundings of Birmingham Symphony Hall. I wasn't alone: the venue's security staff looked positively bewildered.

I am convinced. I am converted. I am Devolved.




1. Arcade Fire: Latitude Festival, 15th July

I mentioned before that the Latitude Festival was one of the highlights of my year. Well, this was the highlight of Latitude.

Arcade Fire concerts are legendary, so my expectations were high. That can be a kiss of death, but thankfully they delivered. It was everything I'd hoped for and more.

Sublime, awe-inducing, breathtaking. Up there with Radiohead at Glastonbury '97. Really: that's how good it was.


Honourable mention should go to the following who didn't quite make the list: The Modified Toy Orchestra at Birmingham Town Hall [15th October]; Misty's Big Adventure & The Destroyers at Brum's Rootsville Festival [30th June]; Wilco [who I heard but couldn't see so can't include], Rodrigo Y Gabriela [disqualified as I only caught the last 15 minutes of their set, which seemed pretty fucking awesome], The Good The Bad & The Queen, Bat For Lashes and Joan as Policewoman at Latitude; Bearsuit at the Sunflower Lounge [September 7th].

Also, despite the cruel and resentful things I said in a previous post, I quite enjoyed The Police at the NIA, too. Begrudgingly.

It's only now that I realise that 2007 was the year I became a fully fledged gig tart.

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Expletive Deleted, Deletion Retreated

It's a bit late in the day, but I can't talk about The Pogues without at least mentioning the recent brouhaha over the re-release of their classic seasonal hit Fairytale of New York (AKA The Greatest Goddamn Christmas Song Ever).

In case you missed it, BBC Radio 1 hit the headlines exactly a week before Christmas Day when they announced that they would censor the song for broadcast. The offending lyrics were embedded in the song's penultimate verse, in which Shane MacGowan memorably exchanged a barrage of earthy insults with the late Kirsty MacColl:

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

Radio 1 announced they would dub out the words "faggot" and "slut" and told the BBC News website: "We are playing an edited version because some members of the audience might find it offensive." According to BBC News, a Radio 1 spokeswoman said the station's management met on 18th December, discussed the issue and '"had made their decision' and would not be backing down."

Later that day - and with almost textbook comic timing - the BBC News website announced: "Radio 1 backs down in Pogues row."

It made me laugh; things like that always do. But it didn't make everybody laugh. Veteran gay rights activist Peter Tatchell said: "The word 'faggot' is being sung as an insult, alongside 'scumbag' and 'maggot'. In this abusive context it is unacceptable." There was even a lively debate on the rehabilitation of the term "slut" BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour. The Pogues, of course, got their name from a quaint Irish expression. Someone should explain to these people what "pogue mahone" means.

The news media seems to have overlooked the fact that a variation of this non-story has happened before. Some years ago former Boyzone frontman (frontboy?) Ronan Keating recorded a cover of the song and changed one of the offending lines to "you scumbag, you maggot you're cheap and you're haggard." I saw him in an interview on a Pogues documentary last year and he claimed that he was pressurised into doing this and - apparently - still feels bad about it. Now, I don't think it will come as a surprise to anyone that I'm not exactly a fan of Ronan Keating and his oeuvre, but when the former front man of a boy band - a class of performer not renowned for their fierce artistic integrity - expresses guilt over an act of cultural vandalism you know it must be pretty serious.

I don't have the time or the inclination to write a lengthy essay on Neo Puritanism so I won't. Let's just say that it seems to me that if we were to delete from every song, movie or book every word, phrase or pejorative term that somebody somewhere finds deeply offensive we'd live in a world with a lot of dead air. The only safe option for artists would be instrumental-only tracks, silent movies and Bowdlerisation. I don't think I want to live in that world. I'd probably get a rash.

There's plenty of things in this world I find deeply offensive and the list seems to grow every day. Most of what I hear on Radio 1 nowadays offends my sensibilities, but that's just me being an old fart and having an atavistic hatred for bland, production-line pop and charisma-free DJs. Peter Tatchell often offends my sensibilities, not because of his gay rights activism - I've no problem with that - but because I get the impression he's a pinch-faced, self-righteous, humourless churl. I am rather fond of Woman's Hour, however, but that's because I'm an unrepentant Radio 4 junkie.

But while there are plenty of things that offend me, I wouldn't want them to be censored. On a more personal note, as an Irishman I don't much care for the term "mick". I'm sure Shane MacGowan doesn't like it, either. It's a racial slur, and I don't like racial slurs. But I don't let the use of it in one of my favourite films - Withnail & I - interfere with my enjoyment of the film. And I certainly wouldn't want it to be dubbed out or exchanged for something more benign. That would be dumb as rocks.

A spokesman for The Pogues said that the band "found it amusing" that Fairytale of New York "should suddenly have been deemed offensive." I find it all a bit amusing, too. Still, I can't help but wonder whether which other twenty year-old songs would upset the Neo Puritans.

Would Duran Duran's 'Hungry Like The Wolf' be condemned for encouraging binge eating?

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